


Mission Puppy

by Berenawillhappen



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 14:28:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10191995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berenawillhappen/pseuds/Berenawillhappen
Summary: I'm sorry for taking this long to post the second chapter. I think I speak for the most of us when I say that Holby hasn't exactly been full of warm and happy feelings lately, especially not when it comes to Berena!I feel like I'm on the right track now though, and I hope to update more regularly from now on. Hope you like this new chapter!





	1. Chapter 1

It all begun one day Mo and Mr T brought baby Hector to work. They were coming in to the hospital to show him to everyone and the wards had pitched in for a big cake. It was a busy day as always, so it was more of a drop-in arrangement. The staff would come up when they had the time. The happy couple would be there for a while, they needed to get some stuff sorted with their patient files anyways. Bernie and Serena were about to head up there to congratulate them, when Serena got called over to help Jasmine with the patient in bed four.

“Just.. You go ahead, I’ll meet you there” she said as she turned and they went their separate ways.

 

When Serena got to the staffroom a few minutes later she was greeted with the most beautiful sight. Bernie was cradling the baby in her arms, lost in his big dark eyes. She was stroking his cheek and whispering to him, gently bouncing him up and down. And an unexpected amount of feelings washed over Serena.

She felt her love for the other woman grow even more when she saw her with the baby. She wondered how life could’ve been if they had met earlier in life. She could picture it perfectly; coming home after a long shift, the house a total mess, but she wouldn’t care one bit because running towards her were her small children. One in first grade, one in kindergarten, and behind them came Bernie with a tired smile, holding their baby in her arms. She would be bombarded with questions like “did you save someone? Did someone puke on you? Did you do a gory surgery?” before she even had the chance to take her coat off. She would hang it on a peg, hug them both, smiling and answering all of their questions, before walking over to Bernie. She would give the baby a kiss on its forehead and Bernie a lingering kiss right on the lips, and they would whisper “I love you”.  Their children would of course wrinkle their noses with accompanying ewwws and mooooms, but they would just smile at each other, dive in for a quick peck and do all the boring adult stuff. Except it wouldn’t be boring at all. She would help clean up the kitchen where their first grader would proudly announce he had made dinner, with almost no help! And they would later sit together at the kitchen table, eating their slightly burnt food, mum had to change a diaper you see, and they would eat it happily because their son did this. She would hold the baby in her lap, helping their oldest with homework, while Bernie was Anna and their daughter Elsa in the living room. It didn’t matter that they didn’t have purple fairy wings in the movie, because their daughter had a vivid imagination and her mothers would indulge it with pride. And when the kids were upstairs sleeping, she would sit on the couch with the love of her life, and they would be so exhausted, but they wouldn’t want to change a thing because this was their family, the life they had made together. 

Coming back to herself she could see Bernie slowly walking towards her, the baby still in her arms.

“What’s wrong love? You’re crying”

“Am I?” Serena touched her cheeks and felt they were damp. “Huh, I didn’t notice”. She smiled at Bernie’s questioning look.

Serena stretched out her arms. “Give him here, I think it’s my turn to hold him”

Bernie carefully placed him in her arms. They were both looking down at the little human, marvelling in his pureness. Mo chatting quietly with Jac over by the cake, Mr.T by the table signing some paperwork.

Bernie was the first to break the silence between them.  “He’s adorable, don’t you think?”

“Yes, he’s perfect.” Their smiling eyes met above the sleeping bundle between them. “Imagine if we had one of those” Serena gave the blonde a small smile, and a flash of uncertainty covered her face too.

Bernie chuckled. “Yea, imagine that… I’m afraid that ship has sailed for us though”

Serena was about to say something when Essie came through the door, arms reached out, proclaiming he was the sweetest little thing she had ever seen. They both agreed with her and Serena, albeit reluctantly, gave him over to Essie. They stood there exchanging small talk for a bit, before Bernie’s pager went off, alerting them of a new trauma coming in, where both their assistance would be needed. They went back down to finish their shifts, both secretly contemplated their possibilities, but neither one of them said anything, scared of the other one’s reaction.

\---

Afternoon came and they were both feeling a bit down after the last trauma call. A child had been caught up in a domestic between his parents. Mum was on ICU with stab wounds and her condition was critical, his dad was in recovery, handcuffed to the bed and a policeman were sat outside his door. The boy himself only needed a few stitches on his arm, and a good cleaning up. His mother’s blood was sprayed all over his face and chest. After a while the CPS came to bring him to a foster home, and both Serena and Bernie felt awful about it. There was a good chance his mother wouldn’t make it, and his dad was going to prison either way, the child was on his own.

On days like these the co-leads only wanted to go home, have a glass of wine and cuddle up on the couch, both in need of the other one’s comfort. And that’s what they did. They finished about an hour before Jason, giving them a rare opportunity to control the TV, so they made the most of it. When the end credits for Call the Midwife came on, Bernie turned it off, leaning back again to gather Serena up in her arms.

 

After a moment in comfortable silence, Serena spoke teasingly. “You are aware of the advancements in the area of fertility, right? Women don’t actually need to have sex with a man to get pregnant these days, there’s such a thing called donors”

Bernie looked down at Serena with her brows slightly raised. “Yes, I’m aware of that, you’re not the only hot and intelligent surgeon in this relationship” she winked, edging closer to the woman in her arms.

“Hot indeed” Serena chuckled. The small gap between them closed as their lips met in a deep kiss, several minutes later they broke apart panting. They had ended up laying on the couch, with Bernie on top.  Bernie pulled back just enough to look Serena in the eyes. Her elbows still resting on each side of Serena’s head.

“No, I’m just saying that one can actually make a family without even having to meet a man”

Bernie was puzzled “I know that?”

“Yes, so technically it wouldn’t be impossible.” They were searching each other’s eyes for answers when they were interrupted by Jason who had just walked through the front door, announcing that he was home. “That’s all I’m saying” Serena said as she gave Bernie a quick peck on the lips, and untangled herself to go greet Jason at the door, forcing Bernie to release her grip around the brunette.

Later that evening, after a particularly long documentary on Life on the Savannah, they had said their goodnights to Jason and gone up to get ready for bed. Serena had just finished taking off her makeup when Bernie mumbled something into her toothbrush, slightly breaking the tension that had embraced them the entire evening.

Serena laughed “What was that?”

Bernie smiled and spat in the sink. “I said ‘was that all you were saying?’”

“What do you mean?” Serena made a hand gesture, and Bernie moved a little out of the way so the other woman could brush her teeth too. Serena knew what Bernie was talking about, but needed to buy herself some time to brace herself for this conversation.

“I just had a feeling that there was something you didn’t tell me earlier. When Jason came home?” Bernie placed her toothbrush in its holder on the sink, and begun to undress.

Serena spat in the sink “No, it’s nothing to talk about”

“Because if there are, I want you to tell me. I’m your partner, there shouldn’t be anything we can’t talk about”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Serena answered as she walked back into their bedroom.

“You sure about that? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has noticed that something is a bit off” Bernie quickly followed in her pyjama bottom, pulling the top over her head.

Serena switched off the main light, casting the room in a dim light from the lamps on their nightstands.

“I don’t know what you mean” She pulled the cover down the bed a bit.

“Ever since Hector?” Bernie did the same on her side, trying desperately to make eye contact with her partner.

“Oh, that..” Serena trailed off, as she laid down on the bed, pulling the covers over her.

“Yes, that” Bernie replied as she got in on her side of the bed. “So?” She laid on her side, facing Serena’s back.

Serena huffed and rolled her eyes. “What do you want me to say? Babies are cute? They are, that’s all.” She pretended to yawn and continued “It’s late, lets sleep. Good night”. She stretched an arm out from under the covers and flicked the light off, covering the room in darkness.

She was wide awake, didn’t even try to close her eyes. She felt bad for going to bed like this. God knows they had fought before, been so angry with each other that they thought this would be it. This was the fight that was going to break them. But never in their relationship had they gone to bed angry or without a good-night kiss. Sometimes they had stayed up into the long hours of the night, but they had always made up before going to sleep in each other’s arms.

Serena wasn’t angry with Bernie this time, but she didn’t know how she felt after seeing Hector. Let alone talk to her about it. What would she even say?  Did she really feel what she thought she was feeling? That she wanted her and Bernie to take a step she never thought they would?

 

After a few moments, the blonde couldn’t take the silence anymore. She flicked on the lights again, and bolted up in bed. All the words came flooding out at once “Do you want to have a baby? With me?” she asked mildly terrified.

_Here we go_ Serena thought. She took a deep breath and sat up against the headboard. She couldn’t make herself look at Bernie, her eyes were somehow glued to her own fingers resting in her lap.

She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She wasn’t sure what she felt so she eventually ventured with “I.. I think so..”

Bernie furrowed her brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked quietly.

Serena still couldn’t look at her partner “I don’t know love. It’s just.. Sometimes I wonder how life could’ve been if we met earlier. Would we have kids? Would you have been in the army? Would we still be together after all those years? And when you held Hector I could see it so clearly..” Serena tried to hide her tears, the scenes from earlier coming back to her again. Bernie saw them and put a reassuring hand on top of Serena’s, urging her to keep going.

“It made me realise how badly I wish I could have all that.. with you” She looked up into Bernie’s eyes at the last words.

After a moment of gazing into each other’s eyes, Bernie quietly answered. “Three, probably not, and yes, definitely”

Serena looked at her quizzically.

“In answer to your questions” Bernie chuckled. “Well, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it either  you know” she explained to Serena’s still puzzled look.

“So, do you?” Serena asked cautiously

Bernie took a deep breath “Look..” she begun “No, Serena, no, no don’t go” Serena was stopped in her movements to turn around and walk out of the bedroom, by Bernie’s hand on her shoulder. She felt like she had made a fool of herself. Proposing to have a baby, at their age? Of course Bernie wouldn’t want that. This was supposed to be a time in their lives where they could put their feet up, enjoy having grown up kids, and hopefully a grandchild or two. This was supposed to be their time, to just be them. Together on late evenings in front of the fire with a glass of wine, or on a beach somewhere sipping from a coconut.

 

Addressing Serena’s back, she continued “Serena I know that came out wrong. I’m not saying yes or no, only that I think we should talk about it. Proper talk about it. Maybe we can go away this weekend, just the two of us? Hmm? What do you say?”

Turning around to look at Bernie, her wonderful Bernie, she couldn’t help but smile. Baby or no baby, this woman was her life now, and how marvellous was that?

“Sounds like a plan”

Bernie breathed a sigh of relief and smiled back. “Okay, good. Now love, I think we need to get some rest”


	2. Arriving at the cabin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking this long to post the second chapter. I think I speak for the most of us when I say that Holby hasn't exactly been full of warm and happy feelings lately, especially not when it comes to Berena!
> 
> I feel like I'm on the right track now though, and I hope to update more regularly from now on. Hope you like this new chapter!

The last couple of days had been weird, and there were no other words to describe it. It had been a bit tense between them, both trying to pretend everything had been normal, and at the same time they both knew that the weekend would change things between them. In a way, it already had.

They hadn’t spoken a word about it other than to plan the physical part of the trip, like where and what. They had sat down together the evening after and found a gorgeous little cabin up in the mountains, with trees and a little river surrounding it. No mention of a baby, or a possible tough conversation. Just Serena googling, and Bernie handing her, her credit card.

Jason was going to be with Alan for the weekend, and only needed to know where they were going, not what they were doing there, and it had thankfully saved them from an awkward conversation with him.

However, even though they hadn’t talked about it, it didn’t mean they hadn’t thought about it.  
  
\---

  
Serena and Bernie had left straight after work, Bernie had already carried their luggage out to the car when they left this morning. They had stopped on the way to buy groceries for the weekend. There was a little cafe where they were going, but they were mostly planning on making their own food.

They were well into the drive at this point, the scenery had changed from the never-ending concrete and freeways, to fields and trees, and a few houses every now and then. They hadn’t spoken much, the silence only broken by the soft tunes on the classical radio channel. Bernie had busied herself with driving, and Serena with looking at the view. It was beautiful once they had taken a left on the freeway. Trees and fields, little farms, a river snaking its way by the small road they were on.

“It’s beautiful weather, don’t you think?” Bernie eventually asked.

“Yes, it is.” Serena agreed, still looking through the window.

“We picked a nice weekend for it.”

“We did.” Serena absentmindedly said, her thoughts far away from their car.

After a little while Bernie continued carefully, concern evident in her voice. “Are you okay?”

Serena turned slightly towards Bernie and gave her a small smile. “Yes, just thinking.”

Bernie didn’t ask what occupied her girlfriend’s thoughts, she was pretty sure it was the same as hers. Serena didn’t even seem to notice when Bernie put the signal on a while later, and drove into a little space by the road. Only when she opened the car door did Serena acknowledge her surroundings.  
  
“Why are we stopping?” She turned in her seat to look at Bernie with a raised eyebrow.

“I just thought we could both need a bit of fresh air, yes?” Serena nodded. “Besides, sitting in a car for this long isn’t doing my back any favours.” Bernie continued as she got out of the car.

“Okay?” Serena said mostly to herself, as she too got out.

Bernie had walked over by the riverbank and was throwing pebbles into it, watching them plop through the surface and sink to the bottom, one at the time. Serena was watching her from where she was leaning on the car. She knew Bernie wasn’t one to talk much, but she had her tells when something was troubling her.

Serena walked over to her, and bent down to get a few pebbles for herself to throw in.

“I think maybe I should be asking you that question” She said softly. When Bernie didn’t answer her, she kept going. “It isn’t your back that’s causing your trouble, is it?” She continued. “Are you okay?”

She turned to look at Bernie, who was still throwing stones. She was momentarily caught off-guard by the looks of her girlfriend. The sun was shining down on them, making Bernie's hair look angelic, her cheeks even more colorful than normal.

She knew Bernie would talk when she felt ready, so there was no need to pressure her, she just bent down and got a new fistful of therapeutic stones to throw.

After a while she heard Bernie mutter under her breath. “Nope, my back is fine.. I just.. Had to get out of that car for a bit..”  
  
“I see”

Bernie stopped throwing, and turned to Serena. “It.. It’s not because I don’t want to be in the car with you, it’s just.. I don’t know, we’re getting closer to the cabin and..” She trailed off.

“Bernie, I know, I feel the same.” She walked closer to her, and took her hand. “We’re both a bit nervous I think, but no matter what, we’re still us, remember?”

“Yea..”

“So, do you want to keep scaring the fish, or should we just get on with it?” She said, a hesitant smile on her lips.

“We should get going, I’m thinking a walk before our late dinner.” Serena raised an eyebrow at this, which Bernie ignored. “It’s just one thing though.”

“Oh yea?”

“Mhm..” Bernie tugged on their still joined hands, pulling Serena flush against her, as she whispered. “This.” And leant in to claim Serena’s lips in a not so chaste kiss. They pulled apart some time later, when a car honked at them, and three teenage boys whooped as they drove past.

“Ehm, that was..” Serena trailed off.

“.. Awkward?” Bernie finished. They kept their faces serious for almost three seconds before they burst out laughing.

When they had calmed a bit, Serena tugged at their still joined hands. “Come on Wolfie, our weekend is waiting for us.”  
  
\---

  
They hadn’t seen another car in a long time, so they must be getting close. Serena began to have second thoughts about Bernie’s navigating skills when they took a turn onto an even smaller road, this one made of gravel.

“Are you sure about this? I feel like we’re trespassing..” Serena squinted through the window, scouting for a house they could stop at and ask for the right directions.

“Yea, should only be a mile through these woods, we’re nearly there.” Bernie didn’t look as confident as she sounded. The dusk had begun to settle around them and it gave Serena the chills.

“This feels like the chainsaw massacre, Bernie. Sure we shouldn’t just turn around, and drive a bit more up the main road?”

“Yes, I’m sure, it’s this way. I’m good with directions.” Bernie tried to convince Serena, but she too felt like this couldn’t possibly be the right road.

“No, you’re not! Remember last time? We ended up on top of that cliff!” Serena exclaimed.

“You can’t bring up just the one mistake Serena, remember all those other times I got it right? And by the way, you seemed to very much enjoy it.” She winked.

Serena blushed at the memory. No one was around, the view was amazing, the weather was hot. How could they not take advantage of that?

  
“Yes, well Sherlock. I’ll give you five minutes, and after that we do it my way.”

The bickering continued for a little while longer, and just when Bernie was about to admit defeat, the woods cleared up and a huge house, with cabins scattered around it, appeared.

“Told you.” Bernie said smugly, happy that her pride didn’t take a hit, only her arm when Serena swatted it.

“Wipe that smirk off your face and find us a parking spot.”

They easily found a spot, and the owner greeted them at the big stairs leading up to the main entrance. They listened as the little old lady explained the rules and the different things to do around the area. She handed them the keys, and pointed them in the direction of their cabin.

They got back in the car and drove up to it, parking by the right side. Serena was the one with the keys, so she grabbed her purse and walked onto the porch and unlocked the door, holding it open for Bernie when she came carrying their luggage and groceries.

Serena could swear she heard Bernie mutter something about the one with the bad back doing all the heavy lifting under her breath as she passed, but her thoughts of a snide reply were quickly gone when one of the paper bags tore and all its content ended up on the floor.  
  
Bernie was standing in the hallway, hands full of bags and luggage, not knowing what to do. A surprised and disbelieving “What?” came from her lips, as she looked accusingly down on their escaped food.

“Something must’ve made the bottom of the bag wet.. Go put that away while I gather this up.” Serena said, pointing to Bernie’s hands, as she knelt down on the floor. Bernie nodded and disappeared from Serena’s view on her hunt to find the kitchen. Serena soon followed, hands full of apples, pasta and the rest of their food.

“Thank God it wasn't the bag with the wine!” Serena said, trying to lighten the mood.

Bernie only offered a small and polite quirk of her lips, never stopping to put away their food to look at Serena.

“So, what do you say? I get started on dinner, and you unpack our things?” Serena tried to keep the conversation going,

“uhm, yea, sure.” Bernie muttered in reply, before she took their luggage and went into the small bedroom.

Serena watched her girlfriend walk away with a concerned look, before she finished unpacking all the groceries.

“Bernie dear, what do you want for dinner?” She shouted into the cabin, not bothering to try and find their room at the moment. She got a muffled mumble in reply.

“What was that?” She tried again.

Bernie poked her head out from a door at the other side of the hallway and answered just as loud. “I said ‘Whatever you want’”

“Okay, no need to shout!” Serena barked back.

Bernie let out a long breath and shook her head before disappearing back into their bedroom. This was how it had been lately. All the pent up emotions about the big talk burst out over petty things, making them both walk on eggshells for the past few days. One false move would unleash anger from their partner, no matter how little or how big that said move actually was. As doctor’s they both knew that anger was only a secondary emotion, and that they weren’t really angry at the other, but rather nervous for the talk to come, and frustrated with themselves for not being able to put the emotions aside. But nevertheless, they couldn't stop themselves.

When Bernie returned a little while later, Serena had already begun the preparations for a Caesar’s salad. She wasn’t in the mood for anything heavy that could in any way disturb her already troubling stomach anyway, so the salad would be perfect.

She went about setting the table for them, while Serena pottered around the kitchen, slicing their greens and whisking the dressing together with such force, Bernie was surprised the kitchen equipment, and Serena’s fingers, were still intact. The chicken was already frying angrily in the pan next to her. The atmosphere was tense to say the least.

“Do you..?” Bernie was the first to speak. After their little row earlier, neither felt the urge to say anything to the other, and had been doing their tasks in silence.

Bernie was now stood holding a bottle of wine in one hand, next to a ready table, candlelights and all, looking very nervous.

Seeing her like this made Serena’s heart skip a beat. She was fully aware of the conversation that was yet to come, and the gravity of the situation they were in, but in just that moment, all that really mattered was the beautiful woman standing before her.

“Yes, please..” She whispered in reply, trying desperately not to show Bernie her emotions, although she didn’t quite understand why. She could see the exact same thing on Bernie’s face, and they knew each other well enough to read the other like an open book.

“..Okay, good.” Bernie whispered back, as they were still stood looking into eachother’s eyes, across the kitchen island. The sound of Serena’s phone alerting them of an incoming text from Jason broke the spell, and they quickly went back to what they were doing.

Not long after, their dinner was finished and they both tucked in. Bernie’s stomach stopped rumbling in protest the second she swallowed her first forkful of Serena’s masterpiece. Bernie would never understand how Serena could turn the simplest of recipes into a small piece of heaven, but she knew she would never tire of it. Just another thing to add to the long list of what she loved about Serena Wendy Campbell.

\---

They hadn’t said much during their meal, both contemplating what they could say to the other without starting a third world war. Neither had moved when their plates were empty, both too busy drinking wine and thinking to do much else.

“Would you please stop bouncing your leg up and down? You’ll just end up spilling the wine, and neither of us want that to happen..” Serena said jokingly, with a hint of real annoyance in her voice. It was quite frustrating to feel the entire floor and table shake. Serena soon realised her joke was very much not the right thing to say.

 

“Stop telling me what to do and not! I’m not a child.. God Serena, I can’t take this anymore!” Bernie jumped up from her chair, and stormed out of the cabin, barely stopping to tear her coat off the peg, before slamming the door hard, escaping into the night.

Serena’s face was left the epitome of confusion, before hurt and fear eventually found it’s way into her heart. This was something she had always been afraid of, that Bernie would someday get enough, and just leave. Just as Edward had done so many times before her..

After a deep breath, she did what she usually did in these situations. She began to clear the table and clean the kitchen. When all surfaces were spotless, and the leftovers were safely covered in plastic and placed in the fridge, she grabbed the rest of the wine from earlier, and went outside.

She sat down in a chair on the porch, and looked up at the blanket of stars above her. The cold nightair and the sight of stars always made her feel a bit better, it cleared her head. Something that would be very helpful in the time to come. She knew that when Bernie eventually came back, they would have to have *that* conversation, and Bernie would have to answer for herself. No one walked out on Serena Campbell without giving her a bloody good explanation!

\---

Meanwhile, Bernie found herself far into the woods when she came back to herself. She didn't know for how long she had been walking, but it was long enough to make her cheeks sting from the cold nightair and slight breeze, that was tousling her already misbehaving hair.

She had been so frustrated with herself, that she had lashed out on the woman she loved, and effectively left her to eat her dust. She knew right away that it was a very wrong decision to just leave like that, but she couldn’t make her legs take her back to the cabin yet. She needed to think things through, because Serena would have a lot to say when she got back, and she needed to have some answers ready.

\---

Serena was still sitting outside on the porch, sipping her wine, when Bernie returned much later, the picture of a dog with its tail between its legs. She hesitated for a moment, before she made her way up the creaky wooden steps, and sat down next to Serena with a tired sigh on her lips. Neither knew where to start or what to do in this situation, but if it was one thing both knew, it was that this had gone on for long enough. They had to clear the air, and preferably sooner rather than later.

After a few minutes of them both staring up at the stars, Bernie laid a careful hand on top of Serena’s where it was still holding the stem of her wine glass in a tight grip. She gave it a subtle squeeze, before mustering up enough courage to speak. “I think we need to talk..”

Serena took her second deep breath of the evening, before letting go of her glass and turned her hand to interlink her fingers with Bernie’s, squeezing them in return.

“Yes, I think we do..”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long to update, it's been a busy summer! But I should be back on track now :)
> 
> Thanks to Libstar for helping me out big time with this chapter

Forget operating under heavy fire, or being blown to pieces, talking out loud about her fears and thoughts were the hardest and most painful thing Bernie could imagine. Sitting on a porch with a glass of wine and the woman she loved shouldn’t be this hard, she knew that, but she couldn’t quite convince her racing heart and sweaty palms about it.

 

“I.. ehrm..” She coughed a bit to clear the ever-growing lump in her throat. She puffed out a breath, making her fringe ruzzle a bit, and looked at Serena.

 

“I don’t know where to begin..” She said at last. Not a very good beginning, she knew that. But it was either that or nothing. Silently beating herself up about her weak beginning, Serena saved her from her thoughts with a chuckled “No, me neither.”

 

She tried to smile, but felt it came out more like an odd grimace, and judging by Serena’s look she was probably right.

 

“Maybe I should start? It was me that threw us into this situation in the first place.” Serena said eventually, sensing that Bernie was in no way capable to utter a sentence at this moment.

 

“Please?” Came the feeble reply from her girlfriend.

 

“Okay. Eh..” She chuckled again. “This shouldn’t be this hard right?”

 

“Hah! No I know..” Bernie smiled again, this time not scaring Serena in the process. She gave the hand in hers a gentle squeeze, before looking back up at the stars. “Okay. Let’s start with the beginning. You want a.. a baby eh?”

 

“I do. But I don’t just want a baby Bernie, I want one with you.” Serena looked back at the stars too. It gave her some sense of comfort. Something to hold on to.

 

“Why?” The words were out of Bernie's mouth before she could stop them.

 

“.. Sometimes.. Uhm, Sometimes I wonder what our lives would’ve looked like now if we’d met earlier you know? And I can see it so clearly. Sitting on a porch like this, enjoying each other’s company, with the sound of our children bickering over a board game in the background.”

 

She turned to look at Bernie only to find her gaze still firmly fixed on the stars.

 

“Or the day when our child proudly announces we’re going to be grandmothers for the first time. Our youngest finishing college. Their first heartaches, first scraped knees... You walking our daughter down the aisle to the love of her life...”

 

Bernie finally turned her head and met Serena’s tearful eyes, her own eyes a bit watery too.

“There is so, so many things we never got to do. And as lovely it is that you’re here with me now, there is still.. Arrgh..” Serena sniffed a bit, strangled a sob threatening to escape.

 

“There is still a hole in my heart where our long, youthful past should’ve been, but never will be..”

 

“Serena..“ Bernie blinked furiously, trying to keep her own tears from flowing down her cheeks.

 

“I know it’s not what you thought your life would be about right now. Our children are all grown up. This was supposed to be a time for us to enjoy some peace and quiet, and I know I just dropped a bombshell on you.. I don’t even know why I’m wanting to do this again myself, considering how the first time was, but I do Bernie, I do..” She wasn't sure why she'd said that. Knowing her partner, this wasn't something she'd let go as easily as Serena wished. She let go of Bernie’s hand, intertwined her own in her lap instead, looking at them like they held the answers to all problems. She continued to voice her thoughts. “And when I see you with children on the ward, or with the fletchlings.. You’re so good with them, and I keep remembering that we never got to do that..” Serena trailed off.

 

There was a slight pause before Bernie asked, just as Serena feared she would. “What do you mean considering the first time?”

 

“Oh nothing big, just not the best experience really” Serena tried to backpaddle, hoping Bernie didn't ask for more details she herself wasn't sure she was ready to give yet.

 

“Serena..” Bernie's voice was so soft and so tender, almost overcoming Serena with love for the woman sitting by her side.

 

“It’s.. erhm.. It’s a long story, nothing to worry about right now.” She tried again, however, looking over at Bernie, seeing her raised eyebrows and impossibly emotional eyes, she continued. “Edward and I had completely different views on when we would be having children. I didn't want to start a family as early as he did. I wanted to get my career going first, and I thought he respected that, that he understood. We were very careful, always used condoms. I started to panic when I was late one month, Edward told me it was probably nothing, but I still remember the feeling of excitement radiating from him.. He was so happy..” Serena took a long swig of her Shiraz, before putting it back down on the table between them. The cold was starting to creep deep inside them; Serena too occupied battling with her emotions, and Bernie listening intently, to notice just yet.

 

“I got my period only a couple of days later, I remember feeling guilty for being happy about it, I crushed Edward’s hopes when I told him.. God, so much was going on in my head. I thought something was seriously wrong with me, how could a woman, married to the man she loved, be happy that their marriage was childless? It went against human nature and science, like I wasn't “womanly” enough..” Serena dared to look over at Bernie again, finding a mixture of love and sorrow in her eyes. The wind brushing against the top of the trees high above, the only thing that could be heard.

 

“So what made you change your mind?” Bernie said quietly after a while.

 

Serena's answer was simple. “I didn't.”

 

Bernie looked surprised. “But.. Ellie?”

 

Serena returned her gaze at the stars above them, and continued. “A couple of months later I was late again, but this time it turned out that I was indeed pregnant. It didn’t come at the best time, but when that blue stripe appeared it changed something in me. I became a mother in that exact moment and nothing could make that go away.”

  


I thought Edward would be more supportive, more happy about it. That he would run out and buy stuffed animals and baby blankets. To dote on his pregnant wife who would be bringing his long awaited child to the world. But he didn't. He only said he thought it was lovely, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and went down to the pub and got drunk, he said he wanted to celebrate. I guess I thought he should've wanted to celebrate with me, his pregnant wife, but I was wrong. So wrong..”

 

Serena braced herself for the rest of the story by taking another gulp of her wine, cherishing in the warmth spreading through her body.

 

“He wasn't much around after that, he wasn't even there the night I gave birth. Too busy shagging one of the nurses at his hospital, to bother checking his pager. He came in to see us early the morning after, smelling like booze and cheap perfume; he didn't even try to deny what he had been doing. I guess he had to look elsewhere when I started to show, a pregnant woman was obviously not his cup of tea..”

 

Bernie stretched over the small table and grabbed Serena’s hand, her thumb soothing over the brunette’s knuckles, the only thing she could think of to comfort her partner. She could she the turmoil, the pain, going on in Serena’s eyes, but she knew she had to let her finish the story. She only hoped she could make it at least a little bit better afterwards.

 

Serena quickly looked at her, a tiny and unheartfelt smile on her lips, before she turned away again to look at their hands.

 

“He never even changed her diapers or bathed her, fed her or sang her lullabies. I felt like I was in it alone, and it was awful. But what was the alternative? Divorce him, and raise my darling baby daughter alone on just one salary, covered in long shifts and student loans? Besides, we were the ones who chose to bring her into this world; it was his responsibility as much as mine to make sure she was safe and happy.”

 

It pained Bernie to hear all of this, how she had wished she could've been the one seeing Serena through her pregnancy. She felt guilty for how loved and well cared for she herself had felt with Marcus. And how terribly sad it was that Serena never experienced it herself.

 

“And she was happy with him. Her fun father who came home with treats or gifts, who'd tell funny stories and have her fall asleep in his lap watching cartoons.” Serena continued.

 

“I just couldn't bring myself to tear her world apart like that. I should've, but I couldn't. So there you have it..” Serena looked towards the woods she knew were beyond the darkness that had fallen around them, trying to hold it together. She'd never told anyone how hurt she had been by his lack of involvement in her daughter's life. She felt more vulnerable now than she had all those years ago, when she had been in full Labour and instead of holding on to her husband's hand, she was crushing some poor F1’s fingers, called Camille.

 

Bernie chewed her lower lip, before whispering “I don't know what to say, Serena, other than that I'm glad you told me, and I'm so so sorry you had to go through that alone..”

 

Serena gave her yet another small smile, the only confirmation that she'd heard what Bernie had said, her eyes still looking into the darkness.

 

A long, comfortable silence stretched between them, they both had a lot on their minds after that conversation, and it seemed as if there were no more words to say in either of them. Now was the time to think.

 

After some time Bernie noticed Serena was shivering, and made no move to get up and head inside to heat up.

 

“Serena?”

  
Serena hummed in reply.

 

“I think we need to get inside, it's getting very cold, and it won't do any of us any good if we end up sick..”

 

Serena turned to look at Bernie for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

 

“No, you're right..”

 

They got up, Serena scrambling to get their glasses and bottle inside and out of Bernie’s sight. She couldn't bare for Bernie to look at her, her feelings too raw still.

 

Bernie was left standing out on the porch, it was so unlike her partner to act like that, to just leave after a tough conversation without making sure they were both okay. It served as just another confirmation of how painful this actually was for Serena.

 

\--

 

Later that night, when all lights were off, teeth were brushed, and bladders relieved, they found themselves on opposite sides in bed, their backs turned to each other, for almost the first time in their relationship.

 

Bernie hated this, hated the silence, hated the distance between them. This wasn't right, but she didn't know what to say or do to make it better.

 

After a little while she could feel faint shaking behind her, a barely there sniffle. Her mind didn't catch up with her body before she had wrapped herself around Serena, trying to hold the resistant brunette.

 

“Serena, it's okay, it's okay..” Serena relaxed into her embrace upon hearing those words.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think it bothered me that much..”

 

Bernie peppered the nape of her neck in kisses. “You have nothing to apologise for, love.”

 

She squeezed her tighter. Serena had been brave and shared her story, the least Bernie could do was voice her fears out loud.

 

“I’m just worried that I won’t be a fun parent, that I’d be too old to put my child on my shoulders, or play soccer in the park, or go camping in our garden.. And that scares me, because if we decide to do this, our child will not only have two mothers, but  two mothers that are a lot older than their friend’s parents, and I’m terrified that it will give them a tough start in life..”

 

Serena turned in her arms to look at her. “Age doesn’t really matter though, does it? All a child really want is to be well cared for, to know that it is loved and wanted..”

She reached up and tucked some of Bernie’s escaped fringe behind her ear, before she asked in a low voice. “Would it be? Wanted I mean..”

 

Bernie took a deep breath before she answered.


End file.
